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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, BAM! My phone buzzes. It’s my lab partner, Kenji. He’s freaking out about some experiment gone wrong. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s just science!” But he’s all, “No, you don’t understand! The samples are contaminated!” Ugh, typical Kenji. Always overreacting. I mean, it’s not like we’re curing cancer or anything. Just some algae research, ya know?

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